


i bet on losing dogs

by kxrapikaz



Series: kxrapikaz vent time woohoo [6]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet, Family Angst, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Jealousy, Oops, Sibling Rivalry, Strained Relationships, anyway uhm, but its less rivalry and more jealousy, classic youngest child syndrome back at it again, idk - Freeform, is family abandonment even a thing, kalluto and nanika best siblings, kalluto experiences a gram of company before it gets torn from them, nanika is a sweetheart, read notes for context maybe, she/they pronouns used for nanika
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:15:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29120307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxrapikaz/pseuds/kxrapikaz
Summary: (in which kalluto explores loneliness and jealousy, on a far more tangible scale)
Relationships: Alluka Zoldyck & Kalluto Zoldyck, Alluka Zoldyck & Kalluto Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Kalluto Zoldyck & Killua Zoldyck, Nanika & Kalluto Zoldyck
Series: kxrapikaz vent time woohoo [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986907
Comments: 1
Kudos: 8





	i bet on losing dogs

**Author's Note:**

> for reference:  
> i adore alluka with my ENTIRE heart but i get the feeling that she would absolutely resent kalluto for the fact that they support their family as opposed to her and killua; it isn't hatred as such, more of a feeling that they don't care about her wellbeing (due to what happened with the basement) and therefore she pushes them away
> 
> (also, this is set a few years post-canon, so kalluto is 13-14, alluka/nanika is 14/15, whilst killua is around 16/17)

I think that, if I am being entirely honest, I have spent far too much time alone. And when I am not alone, I am being ignored or scolded, instead. Of course, it is to be expected, considering my role within our family and my relationship with my relatives, but I cannot deny that it still hurts all the same. I hardly see my siblings anymore. It seems ironic that the person I have spent the most time with is Nanika, actually; Alluka doesn’t seem to enjoy my company very much, and Killua is rarely home enough to even be an option. Milluki and Illumi are certainly out of the question, leaving me with Nanika. We get along fairly well, I guess. Sometimes we sit and read in the garden together, a foot apart beneath a weeping willow in the centre of the grounds, but occasionally they allow me to teach them origami or braid their hair, humming a stilted, wavering nursery rhyme happily beneath their breath as my fingers weave their lank hair together intricately. But of course, Nanika cannot stay forever; soon enough, she retreats, and Alluka jerks away from me as though she has been electrocuted, sending me an affronted glare before standing up and scampering away to find Killua once more, leaving me alone with nothing more than a hairbrush and a worn book beside me to tell of my time spent with Nanika.

Occasionally, I catch a glimpse of Killua’s friends. There are three of them that I can see, not including Killua and Alluka - one is tall, gangly with glasses, one is shorter with hair that falls in pretty ringlets that brush against the tops of their shoulders (are they holding hands?), and the other is that boy who came to rescue Killua years and years back. I remember him fighting Canary, getting beat up over and over again by her cane until mother knocked her down herself. He’s changed a lot since then, I think. He’s taller now, stockier, too, with muscular arms and a stronger build, but his demeanor has changed, too. He seems quieter now. Less impulsive, maybe? His affections with Killua seem reserved, stiff, as though he isn’t used to being allowed to do this sort of thing. Maybe they had a fight whilst they were off fighting the ants. Or maybe Gon is jealous that Killua spends so much time with Alluka nowadays. Or maybe I’m just projecting again. It’s difficult to tell, now that they’re both so closed off. Alluka is the only one who seems semi-normal out of the three of them, but I don’t think she means it. I think she’s forcing herself into it, if anything. But I don’t understand why I care so much about them. I mean, I’ve hardly spoken to any of them, including my siblings. So why should I be so affected by this, by them?

When they leave, I retreat back to my bedroom. It’s the same as when I was a small child, even though now I am nearly fourteen and definitely old enough to have outgrown the sickly-saccharine pink that coats the stone walls. I allow myself to fall down onto my bed, not bothering to undress or slip beneath the sheets, and I close my eyes.

I wake at dawn the next day with stiff joints and a creased kimono. The obi must have loosened whilst I slept, and my hair is likely a mess, too. I stretch, looking out the window onto the forest that spans out beneath the house; the early morning sun spills over the trees, pale gold contrasting prettily against the dark green of the pine below, and when I open my windows a little, the cool air smells like dew and something that can be described only as ‘morning’. I am interrupted, however, by Nanika knocking at my door frame; she slips into the room, coming up beside me silently and staring at me with wide, unblinking eyes. I stare back, and find a weak smile crawling onto my lips; this is sort of nice, actually. Though I have spent many mornings watching the sunrise, the vast majority of them have been quite lonesome, and the presence of another person is oddly comforting.

But of course, it comes to an end far too abruptly, as all good things do. Nanika withdraws, and Alluka hardly shoots me a glance before she immediately turns and leaves, not even bothering to close the door behind her as she (predictably) makes her way to Killua’s room, instead. 

And once again, I am so cruelly reminded of my loneliness, of my eternal solitude that feels far more like a curse than anything else that has been thrown at me.

**Author's Note:**

> hiiiiii i am going thru it once more so uh ,...,.,............. yeahs take another kalluto vent bc lately i have been feeling very unwanted and very lonely and isolated teehee i simply miss talking to my friends Ya Know


End file.
